Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you over think
Always speak
Crypticly

I should know
That you're no good for me

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You don't really want to stay, no
But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now your plain boring

I should know that
You're not gonna change

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You don't really want to stay, no
But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

--Hot 'N Cold, Katy Perry

Bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me
All - ah peaceful melody
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This is out fate, I'm yours

--I'm Yours, Jason Mraz

Life is a maze, and love is a riddle

There's this song I've been listening to today. "The Show" by Lenka. One of the lines got me thinking. The actual line is "I'm so scared but I don't show it." When I hear it, it sounds like "I'm so scared that I don't show it." Two very different things.

The second is really pretty true for me right now. I'm afraid that I don't do enough to show the people I care about that I truly love them. I never, never say it to my family. Some people that I actually mean it when I say it to overuse the phrase and I don't think they understand how much it means when I say it.

This Wednesday is my mom's birthday. I don't know what to give her, what to tell her, what to do for her to show that I appreciate her.

When it comes to the guys, I get really frozen. If I ever tell them those three words, it's normally right after they have. For some reason I just feel like it's so bogus and non-heartfelt to always have to use the same phrase. Then I never say it and feel like when something doesn't work out that it's my fault for not doing enough.

I won't grab someone's hand. I want them to take the initiative.

Though I'm entirely impatient with guys, I don't want to be the one to ask. I hate doing that. I will, without a second thought, get one of my friends to give someone a nudge in the right direction.

I have an incredibly difficult time saying "no" to someone. After going to prom sophomore year, I was convinced that I was going to end up marrying Levin just because I couldn't make myself say no. Thankfully, I quickly got out of that mindset.

One scene from Pride and Prejudice pretty much sums this thing up. After Mr. Collins' church service, when Lizzie finds out Mr. Darcy separated Jane and Charles, and there is quite the confrontation during a rainstorm. During this time, Lizzie tells Darcy how "Jane hardly reveals her true feelings to me!" her closest sister in age.

This has been my rant for the evening. I just kinda had to get it out there.



I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

Slow it down, make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
Cause its to much, yea it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool, out of love
Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky
Just like a giant spot light
The people follow the signs
And synchronize in time

It's a joke, nobody knows
They got to take it to the show
Yea

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show


--The Show, Lenka

Starting over ain't no big deal

The sun will shine
I'll smile from time to time
And sing the song
'Cause life goes on

But it won't mean a thing
Without you and the love you bring
It won't mean a thing without you

The wounds will heal
Starting over ain't no big deal
They rebuilt Rome
And life goes on

But it won't mean a thing
Without you and the love you bring
It won't mean a thing without you

The lesson learned
We all must take our turn
And carry on
'Cause life goes on

But it won't mean a thing
Without you and the love you bring
No, it won't mean a thing
Without you and the love you bring

No it won't mean a thing
Without you
Without you


--Life Goes On, PFR

When you showed me myself, you know, I became someone else.

I saw a picture of one of my friends with the caption "If I had to pick my favorite picture of my entire high school career, it would be this one." I saw that yesterday, and driving home from school I was thinking about it. I was trying to nail down a memory that summed up my high school life. And then it hit me.

The Awards Ceremony. After a night crammed full with both the lacrosse banquet and the DTCCACCTAC, while I was in my silver dress, after the lights went off, after I finally dueled Kurt with our new light-up light sabers, I heard Sally. There she was, standing at the edge of the stage. I remember that I ran over, got on my knees, and hugged her because it was over, and I had won. I had conquered the world.

Then I had to run out after her to her car to get the lillies she bought for me. I don't remember getting wet or the fact that I had to run in flip-flops, I remember that I was happy. I wasn't happy when Brian announced my name, I was yelling at Kurt to zip up my dress, which he never did because he was actually listening. But afterwards, when it was all over and we were sitting in the Georgetown McDonald's at almost midnight, the two of us realized that all we had worked for for five years was done. It boggles my mind. That feeling still boggles me.

It may seem odd that I didn't pick anything like prom, graduation, the senior pic-nak, or the last first day of school. But those things just didn't have the emotional ties that CT did and still has to me. That may have been my last night in the spotlight, but it certainly isn't my last Awards Ceremony. I'm an official A.I.T. (Advisor in Training), and I have to present the Jenny Moore to the next fifth year (who I think I already know who it is). I was so afraid that that would end, and much to my surprise, it hasn't. Which is nice. Really nice.

My life ambitions, recently rediscovered.

I have resolved to do several things.

1) To watch every motion picture that was awarded the Best Picture Oscar. There's a reason they won, right?
2) To travel to (and not just see the airport of) all fifty states by 24 October 2040, my fiftieth birthday.
3) To learn Latin and go back to Vatican City and read inscriptions myself. And because I kinda liked that graveyard with the orange trees in it.
4) Rediscover the seven wonders of the ancient world, or whatever's left of them. The pyramids, the lighthouse, the Colossus of Rhodes, the hanging gardens, and those other three I don't remember.
5) Go to Vietnam.
6) See just as many countries as my father did while he was in the Army.
7) See every country in Europe.
8) To go to Iceland and Greenland.
9) Visit the seven continents. Yes, even the uninhabited one, Antarctica.
10) To be a part of something bigger than myself.

Most of these I made up on the spot, but I guess they are all things I sincerely want to do.
Why Vietnam? Good question. I guess my dad asked that same question when he went there, too.