18.9.08

Remembrances and recollections.

Tonight, all the networks are showing the season finales of all the best shows. I watched Ugly Betty on ABC and got to thinking.

At the end of the episode, Betty's father is trying to help her make up her mind about whether she goes on a trip to Rome with sandwich maker-Gio or move to Tuscon with Henry, who has just proposed. As Betty is comforted and supported by her dad, it made me realize (like so many things do) that I will never have that. Yes, I've told myself for years that I would be fine with that. It's just that seeing things that other people have and take for granted makes me want it. True, I've never taken the initiative to go visit him or to try to bond with him.

But I can't. I just can't. It's as simple as that.

Seeing him makes me sick. The smell, well, everyone knows that nursing homes have a scent to begin with, then pile on the fact that residents get showers two or three times a week. Yeah. Real pleasant.

I can't understand anything he says.
At the beginning all he could say was "Joy" and "Ruth." Somebody thought he either wanted his kids or a candy bar. Sucks to be Kristy. He couldn't say her name. Or my mom's.



Today I ran into Mrs. Rumble at the library. She asked me if I had been writing anything lately. I told her I was mostly blogging and trying to coast through college.
She reminded me that I write well.
It was totally unexpected and really pretty nice.


Ms. Farley referred to me as "great" in class. That was crazy.
Also unexpected and nice.


That got me thinking about how its been not even a month and I've already set myself above in three of my classes. In Political Science, I'm "Miss Academic Challenge," who can ace a test no problem. In Newswriting, Ms. Farley asked me if she was right. She's supposed to be the teacher, right? Then Intro to Electronic Media. Ms. Farley again. Basically the same story.

Why do I try so hard to excell? Am I craving attention or just looking to distance myself from others? I don't know. Maybe I'll figure it out one of these days. Or years. Eventually. Right?

17.9.08

When you showed me myself I became someone else

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I dont know anymore
What its for
Im not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe youre not even sure what its for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

--In the Sun, Joseph Arthur

The worst part is watching everyone leave.

Now that all of my closest friends from this summer are settled into their respective colleges, I'm making new friends. Old acquaintances are becoming friends. Which is cool, yeah. Getting to know (and actually hear!) Carrie, Sarah, and Heather during lunch and our breaks is kinda nice.

But when I go to a football game, I have no one to hang with. I can't crash the band anymore because Sally is drum major and doesn't sit in one place. I can't stand around with Josh anymore because he sees so many people and spends all this time talking to them that he doesn't even notice when I walk away. I can't go sit with someone in the stands because it feels like I don't know a single person in school.

I can't call up the crew and go see a movie at Salisbury or go crash someone's house. Its... weird. I know in one of Bethany's college books it says not to just hang out with your high school friends. But at this point, that's all I've got. You don't see other people enough to get to know them at all. Instead, I'm finding a new group of Techies to hang with.

And then I have the old Techies. The current students. Matt, Tommy, and Natalie, my devoted group of lunch buddies. We've gone to the buffet once, which was insanely fun (though I felt like I was dominating conversation while talking about college), and Saturday we're getting together to play Rock Band and see a movie. I'm pretty stoked.

As much as I want to meet new people, I feel bad about it. I hope that I'll be leaving to go somewhere else in the fall, but so much of me wants to stay here. I want to stick around and be an actual advisor for CT when Mrs Pasmore has to quit because of the commute and get to know Mr Varratto's son Dylan. I want to finish my associate degree and take more classes with Mr Butterly (my savior!) and Ms Farley, who thinks I'm a terrorist. I want to figure out what happened to that freaking bird and I want to see an Odyssey program take root at the college.

All I can think of right now is that end scene from the Return of the King, where Frodo is telling Sam how he can't always be torn in two, and that he needs to be whole in order to live his life out.

Sam, make me whole.