It's no surprise that I got lost in your brown eyes.

In your brown eyes
I walked away
In your brown eyes
I couldn't stay
In your brown eyes
You'll watch her go
Then turn the record on
And wonder what went wrong
What went wrong?

If everything
Was everything
But everything is over
Everything
Could be everything
If only we were older
I guess it's just a silly song about you
And how I lost you
And your brown eyes

In your brown eyes
I was feeling low
Cause they're brown eyes
And you never know
Got some brown eyes
But I saw her face
I knew that it was wrong
So baby,
Turn the record on
Play that song

Where....

Your brown eyes

Everything was everything
But baby it's the last show
Everything could be everything
But it's time to say goodbye, so
Get your last fix and your last hit
Grab your old girl with her new tricks
Honey yah it's no surprise
That I got lost
In your brown eyes

-Brown Eyes, Lady GaGa

"I think I'm quite ready for another adventure."

Yesterday I went to the National Cathedral in D.C. I drug three of my friends along, Josh, Adam, and Carrie, who I may start referring to as "JAC" at some point in time because it takes too long to always say "Josh, Adam, and Carrie." Anyway. I digress. ("But I... undress..." -Josh. Every time.)

I had been to the Cathedral only once before in my life. During confirmation class in eighth grade, we went over for the flower festival and had the craziest luck at being able to climb the bell tower. Though I had only been in it once, I passed it many, many times going back and forth to my sister's college only a mile or so further down the road. Since this summer, I felt driven to go back. ("We have to go back!" -Lost) And I knew I couldn't go alone. I had to go with the right people. It was kindof a big deal.

So, after a few failed attempts, I got the trip planned out with the three people I spend most of my time outside of school with. Josh, who I've been frequenting the movies with since this summer; Adam, Josh's right hand, who I had Spanish 3 with but barely talked to and subsequently knew; and Carrie, who I pretty much hated until I sat next to her during our first day of college. Josh and I had briefly discussed the possibility of going, Adam kinda just got swept in, and Carrie had no idea why we were going but agreed to come with. The only almost glitch in this "dream team" of sorts was Antonio from drama club, who infiltrated Josh's bowling festivities the night before our adventure. When we inevitably brought up the trip, he started saying that he wished he didn't have plans so he could come with us. Apparently he called Carrie yesterday morning and asked if he could come with us. The ever-wise Carrie replied "Uhh... it's kinda Joy's trip, so I dunno." When she told me that, something hit me.

This was my trip. I don't know what I expected to get out of it. I found out some very important information, though. Firstly that Josh can be an insanely obnoxious passenger and likes to butcher especially gloriously touching U2 songs that we both adore. Secondly that Adam's grandfather went to the same school as my sister, and that Adam is a very deep person. Thirdly, that Carrie watches me like a hawk. Not long before we left, we wandered back into the gift shop. I was feeling nostalgic (that word keeps popping up everywhere from Watchmen to a book I'm reading for my Ireland class, so I am so going to start using it in everyday conversation!) and wandered through the upper level of the gift shop and right out the door. I had to be alone. I snapped some pictures of the Cathedral because I felt I should, but I didn't feel particularly fond of any of them. I couldn't feel. I went back in and snuck down into what is known as the Resurrection Chapel. It has beautiful mosaics of Jesus' appearances after the crucifixion. After I had a few minutes to pray and think and even found a book that explained all the mosaics, my phone started vibrating. Josh was calling to figure out where I was. I didn't really want to answer. But I did. The three of them found me and Carrie inquired "where did you go? I was following you!" and seemed shocked when I answered that I went outside. Then we went back into the nave so Josh could get pictures with us and then Adam took a few of us outside, and we left. I missed a few turns coming out of the city, but thankfully I have more patience and common sense at driving than my father ever did and I kept my cool the whole time.

The trip was something for all of us. Josh was amazed at the size of the Cathedral. Adam admitted he severely underestimated it. Carrie never really said anything but I'm fairly certain that it's impossible to spend three and a half hours in the Cathedral and not feel something. I definitely felt something but I don't know what. It'll hit me sometime. Eventually. Probably when I least expect it. Or maybe when we go back. Already we're planning the return journey on one of the two times a year you're allowed to climb the bell tower. That is, if Josh and Carrie can handle the climb. They kinda started it yesterday on the sly. Sneaking up the eerie spiral staircase from the Resurrection Chapel... yeah. It's one adventure after another with them.


I went out walking
Through streets paved with gold
Lifted some stones
Saw the skin and bones
Of a city without a soul
I went out walking
Under an atomic sky
Where the ground won't turn
And the rain it burns
Like the tears when I said goodbye

Yeah I went with nothing
Nothing but the thought of you
I went wandering

I went drifting
Through the capitals of tin
Where men can't walk
Or freely talk
And sons turn their fathers in
I stopped outside a church house
Where the citizens like to sit
They say they want the kingdom
But they don't want God in it

I went out riding
Down that old eight lane
I passed by a thousand signs
Looking for my own name

I went with nothing
But the thought you'd be there too
Looking for you

I went out there
In search of experience
To taste and to touch
And to feel as much
As a man can
Before he repents

I went out searching
Looking for one good man
A spirit who would not bend or break
Who would sit at his father's right hand
I went out walking
With a bible and a gun
The word of God lay heavy on my heart
I was sure I was the one
Now Jesus, don't you wait up
Jesus, I'll be home soon
Yeah I went out for the papers
Told her I'd be back by noon

Yeah I left with nothing
But the thought you'd be there too
Looking for you

Yeah I left with nothing
Nothing but the thought of you
I went wandering

--The Wanderer, U2 and Johnny Cash

Reasons I've gone over a million times.

Boy X tells me he loves me. Boy Y shows me.
Boy X always says he'll show up. Boy Y showed up once.
Boy Y drinks. Boy X does not.
Boy Y recognizes classic song references but hates that I constantly make song references. Boy X makes them with me.
Boy X will have a strained text or AIM conversation with me once every two weeks. Boy Y and I will have long conversations about anything and everything.
Boy X makes me hate him when he falls out of cell range. Boy Y will get up with me from the other side of the world.

I need Z.

Damn it, I'm stuck.

"I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need"
--In the Sun, Joseph Arthur

This is where I am right now.

I've always planned to do this. To form an OM team in college, go to Worlds and get my medal. Yesterday Tommy asked me about it and it's been eating at me since. It's something I had thought about before, but it won't go away. Do I really want to go through all the work of forming a team, building a semi-decent army and marching to Iowa in the hope of domination? Or do I just want to usurp my way into being a Delaware judge at Worlds? Either way, if the second were to work, I'd get the opportunity to work at Worlds. The first way might get me the medal I've been craving since middle school.

I have no idea if I even want that now. Granted, I want the medal. But I don't know if I want all the work for a medal right now. I have no idea who I could pull together to form a team with, and I have no idea if we would even make it to the top three. Is the view worth the climb?

So many questions. Maybe this is why Ron Raab-Long is taking so long to email me the information. Because I have no idea if I even want to do this.

When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong.

A lovestruck Romeo, sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a love song that he made
Finds a streetlight, steps out of the shade
Says something like, "You and me, babe, how about it?"

Juliet says, "Hey, it's Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
He's underneath the window, she's singing
"Hey, la, my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here, singing up people like that
Anyway, what you gonna do about it?"

Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet, and you exploded in my heart
And I forget, I forget.. the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

Come up on different streets, they both were streets of shame
Both dirty, both mean, yes and the dream was just the same
And I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me, as if I was just another one of your deals?

Well, you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin, yeah
Now you just say, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you know
I used to have a scene with him"

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry
I said, "I love you like the stars above, I love you till I die"
And there's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

I can't do the talk, like the talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything, but I'd do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat, and the bad company
And all I do is kiss you, through the bars of a Rhyme
Juliet, I'd do the stars with you any time

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry
I said, "I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die"
There's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

A lovestruck Romeo, he sings the streets of serenade
Laying everybody low with a love song that he made
Find a convenient streetlight, steps out of the shade
He says something like, "You and me, babe, how about it?"

--Romeo & Juliet, The Killers

I can count this high.

1 2, 1 2 3 4-
Give me more lovin' than I've ever had,
Make it all better when I'm feelin' sad,
Tell me that I'm special even when I know I'm not,
Make it feel good when I hurt so bad, Barely gettin' mad,
I'm so glad I found you; I love bein' around you.

You make it easy, it's easy as 1, 2- 1, 2, 3, 4
There's only one thing to do, three words for you- I love you
There's only one way to say those three words and that's what I'll do-
I love you.

Give me more lovin' from the very start,
Piece me back together when I fall apart,
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends-
Make it feel good when I hurt so bad, best that I've had,
I'm so glad I found you, I love bein' around you.

You make it easy, it's easy as 1, 2- 1, 2, 3, 4
There's only one thing to do, three words for you- I love you
There's only one way to say those three words and that's what I'll do-
I love you.

You make it easy, it's easy as 1, 2- 1, 2, 3, 4
There's only one thing to do, three words for you- I love you
There's only one way to say those three words and that's what I'll do-
I love you.

--1, 2, 3, 4, Plain White T's

I spend way too much time in my own head.

Recently I've been questioning some of my actions. The one I hear most frequently (from myself and from my peers) is "why are you subbing?" Excellent question. My immediate response? Money. Power over students I have a grudge against. My inability to let go of my high school.

But, as always, it's deeper than that. For years and years, adults have been telling me that I would be a good teacher. After helping to teach a Vacation Bible School class one summer, the woman I worked with said to me "I hope you become a teacher." G would repeatedly tell me that I'd become a teacher and come back and take his job. Because of all these people telling me I would be good at it, I suppose I want to see for myself. Either prove them wrong or prove them right. I want to try out the family business. My mother and her sister were both teachers. My oldest sister is a teacher. My other sister has worked as a teacher. My cousin and her husband are teachers. Another cousin is still in school to become a teacher. Like I said --the family business.

A big thing eating at me right now is Christmas. I bought Josh a record that he had said, in passing, that he wanted to get. When I got my ten-dollar Amazon gift card for completing a survey about one of my textbooks, I immediately looked up the album and began my arduous debate, to give or not to give. I wanted to get him something, and not just a thoughtless gift card to the movies or Best Buy. Of course, now that I have it I can't decide if it was stupid for me to buy it. I keep running over what I'll say to him when I give it to him. "If you already have it, then I'll just keep it for myself!" which I most definitely would. Still, the thought of possible awkwardness lingers. I certainly don't expect anything in return. I'm a very giving person. My anticipation of awkwardity is totally unjustified. We are friends. Maybe my mind just can't change gears that fast.

I need to stop asking so many questions of myself and see the world from the inside out, not the inside in.

Open up your mind and see like me.

When we were all together last week for our Thanksgiving reunion, it was magical. I felt like we actually were family. We can be apart for so long, and then as soon as we're all back together, conversation flies. During our game of Monopoly, I think there were at least four conversations flying between the seven of us. I miss it so much. They are the people I could spend every holiday with and only get a little irritated with. Seriously, I could carve a turkey with them. And I don't even like turkey. I can't even explain how great it is to be with them. I keep going back to the Jason Mraz song "I'm Yours." There's a line, "we're just one big family." It is so natural being with them. As totally unrealistic as this may sound, I would love actually getting together for holidays with them as we continue through adulthood. Or maybe we could do summers together. Something. Some way to hold on. Because I don't want to lose this. I love it so much.