I spend way too much time in my own head.

Recently I've been questioning some of my actions. The one I hear most frequently (from myself and from my peers) is "why are you subbing?" Excellent question. My immediate response? Money. Power over students I have a grudge against. My inability to let go of my high school.

But, as always, it's deeper than that. For years and years, adults have been telling me that I would be a good teacher. After helping to teach a Vacation Bible School class one summer, the woman I worked with said to me "I hope you become a teacher." G would repeatedly tell me that I'd become a teacher and come back and take his job. Because of all these people telling me I would be good at it, I suppose I want to see for myself. Either prove them wrong or prove them right. I want to try out the family business. My mother and her sister were both teachers. My oldest sister is a teacher. My other sister has worked as a teacher. My cousin and her husband are teachers. Another cousin is still in school to become a teacher. Like I said --the family business.

A big thing eating at me right now is Christmas. I bought Josh a record that he had said, in passing, that he wanted to get. When I got my ten-dollar Amazon gift card for completing a survey about one of my textbooks, I immediately looked up the album and began my arduous debate, to give or not to give. I wanted to get him something, and not just a thoughtless gift card to the movies or Best Buy. Of course, now that I have it I can't decide if it was stupid for me to buy it. I keep running over what I'll say to him when I give it to him. "If you already have it, then I'll just keep it for myself!" which I most definitely would. Still, the thought of possible awkwardness lingers. I certainly don't expect anything in return. I'm a very giving person. My anticipation of awkwardity is totally unjustified. We are friends. Maybe my mind just can't change gears that fast.

I need to stop asking so many questions of myself and see the world from the inside out, not the inside in.

Open up your mind and see like me.

When we were all together last week for our Thanksgiving reunion, it was magical. I felt like we actually were family. We can be apart for so long, and then as soon as we're all back together, conversation flies. During our game of Monopoly, I think there were at least four conversations flying between the seven of us. I miss it so much. They are the people I could spend every holiday with and only get a little irritated with. Seriously, I could carve a turkey with them. And I don't even like turkey. I can't even explain how great it is to be with them. I keep going back to the Jason Mraz song "I'm Yours." There's a line, "we're just one big family." It is so natural being with them. As totally unrealistic as this may sound, I would love actually getting together for holidays with them as we continue through adulthood. Or maybe we could do summers together. Something. Some way to hold on. Because I don't want to lose this. I love it so much.