Holidays --when people come together to celebrate joy and loss.

Today, as I clutched my purse and jogged across my church parking lot from my mother to my car, I saw my reflection in my window. And I looked completely different. I saw that reflection and I saw someone else. Literally. With my straight hair, no makeup, big sunglasses, and laughing grin, I was reminded of images of Fey Summers from Ugly Betty.
Since then I've been looking in the mirror a lot.
I'm not saying that I didn't like what I've seen before, but this image was so different. And so happy. And so what I wish my life could be right now --the constant party G is always talking about, not watching my dead neighbor get taken away to the funeral home before I even knew he was dead. And not being so paranoid about noises in my house that I twist into sounds of a person falling. And not wondering if my father is going to be alive to come to my graduation or not.
Because high school sucks. And I wish it didn't.
Thanksgiving freshman year. Three years ago. My father's first stroke. Who would have guessed that my first marking period of high school would be the only stable one of four years.
The doctors certainly didn't. And neither did I.
Today at the end of church I was standing at the door and shaking people's hands. A guy who used to work with my dad asked me how he was. "I wish he would get better. It's been what, three years he's been fighting it now?" Which was really weird because in the middle of the sermon I realized that.
Three years.
At Thanksgiving.
Be thankful that your father is fine now because at Christmas he'll be mute and paralyzed in the ICU! That's a real slap in the face.
But at least it came at a holiday, when my family was all gathered at home. Gathered to celebrate the bonds that tie us together. Gathered to have those very bonds stretched and tested and stressed. Gathered to have our plans smashed and pieced back together.
Kindof like my life in general.


When I was younger I used to be wild
As wild as an elephant's child
No one could hold me down
No one could keep me around
Now it's your turn, take a shot
Baby show me everything that you got
Maybe you can keep me alive
Maybe you can get in my mind
But it's only a matter of time

Before I run far away
I need to take a holiday
Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday

My father, he was always wise
As wise as an elephant's eyes
He couldn't hold me down
He couldn't keep me around
So are you gonna take your shot?
It's the only one that you got
Maybe I'll go out on a limb
Maybe I'll jump in for a swim
When the lights go dim

You know I'll run far away
I need to take a holiday
Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday
(Need to take a holiday)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

A new start
I've broken too many hearts
And I don't have any clue where to go
I don't know
But maybe I'll be back someday after my holiday

When I was younger I used to be wild
As wild as an elephant's child
And I don't think I'll ever change
I think I'm gonna stay the same

I'll run far away
I need to take a holiday (need to take a holiday)
Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase (set off on a new chase)
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday

A new start
I've broken too many hearts
And I don't have any clue where to go
I don't know
But maybe I'll be back someday after my holiday

All of the wasted time
The hours that were left behind
The answers that we'll never find
They don't mean a thing tonight

--Holiday, Boys Like Girls